When hiking deep in the forest, you round a bend and suddenly spy a huge, hideous beast in the distance. With shoulders slouched, gait unsteady and long fur blowing on the breeze, this beast cannot be human – yet something deep inside makes you pity this poor creature. You cinch up the straps of your well-adjusted pack, fully zip your new Patagonia down jacket, take firm hold of your perfectly lengthened trekking pole and press onward, intent on comforting this disgusting mass walking ahead of you.
Although the beast seems to be moving slowly, its giant strides allow it to cover distance quickly. It takes many minutes for you to catch up. Breathless, you finally arrive directly behind the beast and discover, to your amazement, that the giant hump on the creature’s back is not a hump at all, only an ill-fitting baby carrier (with a baby Squatch inside!) riding comically high on it’s slumped back. You look down. The beast’s giant feet are covered by a worn pair of hiking boots, toes protruding through holes cut in the front. You realize now that what you once thought was long fur encasing the beast’s body is actually clothing, ripped to tatters by untold years of wear. The creature catches a whiff of you on the breeze, and with a turn of it’s massive head spies you out of the corner of it’s eye. The beast lets out a deep, hideous roar – “I AM SASQUATCH!” – and strides out of view, as quickly as it appeared.
Once thought to be a half-ape, half-human hybrid, Sasquatch has now been scientifically proven to be 100% human. Fecal samples obtained from poorly aimed cathole administrations have led scientists to conclude that the Sasquatch hype is simply a case of mistaken identity.
When looked at through the lens of the ill-fitting clothing and poorly designed gear that tall outdoor enthusiasts are often forced to wear and use, the classic Sasquatchian traits such as slouched posture, painful gait and overall unpleasantness make sense.
If you are a man or woman 6’4″ or taller who loves hiking, backpacking and camping but are forced to use outdated, worn or ill-fitting clothing or gear because nothing seems to work “just right”…then you are a Sasquatch. BE PROUD!